This is the second in a series of articles about kids and pets. Several readers asked questions about how to handle the loss of a pet, so this article's focus will be on explaining pet death and helping your child work through that loss.
Adoptees are especially sensitive to loss and change. That makes sense because of the loss of the birth family. You may not have been available to your child when he/she was separated from his birth relative. This time you are present and can help your child handle the pet's death in a positive way. This new learning will empower your child to handle grief more easily in the future.
Adoptees have already experienced the loss of their birth family. As thoughtful adoptive parents, you have probably considered the best ways to help your child handle that loss. Helping your child cope with the loss of a pet is similar in many ways.
1. Talk honestly about the death.
When talking with your child about the loss of a pet, only give information that they will be able to understand. As your child's cognitive abilities and life experiences grow, you can add more detail as is appropriate.
While you are the best judge of that, don't underestimate your child. Being honest usually helps the child by reducing fears and misconceptions they may have about death. Make sure the child understands what "dying" means. Explain that the animal's body stopped working or functioning. Depending on your religious beliefs and what the child can understand, you might want to explain the concept of the soul. However, it is important for the child to know that the pet has died and is not coming back.
2. Don't wait for your child to raise the topic.
Even though this is a sad subject, keep the communication lines open. If possible, talk about the death of a pet before the death occurs. If your child is old enough, the experts suggest including your child in the decision-making process. Not including the child in any way makes them feel completely powerless about what is going on with their pet.
Raise the subject every once in a while by saying, for example, "I was remembering when we first brought Fluffy home. It's hard to think of her not being part of our family." Or after watching a TV show that deals with an animal: "Making the decision to euthanize Fluffy was hard. But I believe it was the right thing to do. I think about her a lot, especially when I see something on TV or read an article about an animal."
Taking a leadership role by raising the subject of the loss lets the child know that it is OK and normal to have questions, thoughts, and feelings about the loss. Talking about the death reminds your child that in your family people can talk about hard things.
3. Terminology is crucial when talking to children about death.
When explaining pet loss, use words such as "death," "dead," and "dying" instead of euphemisms. These are concrete words that describe what is or has happened. For example, a common euphemism for euthanasia is 'put to sleep.' It's easy to see how children may begin to think that being 'put to sleep' at night can be an irreversible process.
Telling the child that you gave away a pet or that the pet ran away is not only untrue, but comes with its own set of grief responses. This story line leaves the child to wonder why his/her pet would run away or why their parents would ever do anything that caused them so much pain.
4. If your veterinarian agrees, consider having your child present when the pet is euthanized or to see the body after the pet is dead.
If the decision is to euthanize the pet, your vet can explain the medical aspects of the process, such has how it is done and how the pet would act and look. In my experience, the pet experiences no pain, but rather actually falls asleep from the first tranquilizer. Then the medicine is given that kills the animal. When we have euthanized a pet, our whole family is present. The pet is placed on a soft blanket with a pillow for its head. We are around the pet and it is sad but gentle. We lovingly pet the dog and say our goodbyes. It is hard but real.
If you and your child would prefer not to be present when the pet is euthanized, an alternative is to go back into the room after the procedure and say good-bye. Seeing that the pet is actually dead often helps give children a sense of closure.
Helping a child with such a loss is difficult. My next article will focus on what a child can understand about death depending on his/her emotional and cognitive development. I will outline the generally understood guideline of how children perceive death and dying, from toddlers to early adolescence. What to expect and how to help a child grieving from such a loss will also be described. Creative ways to memorialize your pet will be included.
Nancy Golden, LCSW, is Co-Director of the Midwest Adoption Center.
This is the third in a series of articles about kids and pets. The last article discussed how to handle pet death, including talking about the death, using appropriate language, and considerations around allowing the child to be part of the decision-making process concerning euthanizing the animal. This article will focus on what a child can understand about death depending on his/her emotional and cognitive development.
When discussing death and dying, honesty is the best policy regardless of the child's age. That means using the words death and dying and explaining to the child the permanence of death. The words may be presented with gentleness, but the message needs to be clear.
Death and dying are two of the hardest facts of life to explain to children. Often, the death of the family pet is the child's first encounter with the laws of nature.
Eleven-year-old Steven, for example, was used to being greeted by his dog, Frisky, when he arrived home after school. Typically, Steven could hear Frisky yelping and jumping even before he opened the front door. One day, Steven came home from school, opened the door, and Frisky was no where in sight. Steven and his Dad found Frisky lying under the kitchen table, struggling to breathe.
Frisky's veterinarian diagnosed heart disease and the prognosis for recovery was poor due to Frisky's advanced age. At 14, Frisky had other health-related problems and because the expectation was for a diminished quality of life, the veterinarian suggested euthanizing Frisky. The family decided that the most human action would be to euthanize Frisky. The family held a simple memorial service for the dog and Steven wrote a poem.
At eleven, Steven understood euthanasia and the finality of death. That didn't make the grieving and sense of loss any easier, but he knew that all living things eventually die.
After some time, Steven was able to remember his pet with more love than hurt.
On the other hand, children younger than eleven see their relationship with their pet as indefinite. They don't comprehend that their pets will generally live shorter lives than their human companions. They don't realize that euthanasia might be the best option for their beloved pet.
Your child's ability to understand what death means depends on his/her emotional and cognitive development. The following is a brief outline of how children perceive death and dying:
Under two years of age During this time, the child picks up the emotions of those in the household, including feelings that are a response to a pet's death. Children absorb the stress felt by family members no matter what the cause.
Two to five years of age Like the younger child, toddlers will perceive the trauma going on in the household and respond to it. While the child will miss the pet as a play-mate, she does not necessarily experience the loss as one of a love object. While behavior may regress, toddlers still hold out the hope for the pet's return as they cannot yet understand the permanence of death.
Five to nine years of age At this age, the child will begin to perceive death as permanent but when vulnerable, may fall back into 'magical thinking.' Thinking 'magically,' the child believes he can defy or bargain about the death. Children also experience themselves as all powerful, so if they momentarily wished for the pet to go away, they may now fear that the death was caused by their thoughts. Guilt may be the logical outcome. It is important that parents remind the child that he did not cause the pet's death.
Ten years of age and older Generally, children of this age understand that all living things die and that death is permanent and total. Understanding and accepting are two different things. Children often go through the normal stages of grieving, including denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, depression, and acceptance.
Younger children often regress in their behavior while older children may withdraw from family and friends. There may be a basic disinterest in outside activities and school work. Children often become intensely curious about death and what happens to the body. Answer their questions in a straightforward, gentle, and careful manner.
Next month I will continue the discussion of helping your child cope with death, including suggestions of memorials to the animal.
Nancy Golden, LCSW, is Co-Director of the Midwest Adoption Center.
All of my young clients have lessons to teach me. The following are a few examples of the lessons taught interacting with my dogs:
Mark, aged four, looked at a picture of my therapy dog and his litter mates being suckled by their mother and asked, "Is that Sampson's birth dog mother?" Indeed it was and while adopting a dog is not the same as adopting a child, the two acts do share some important elements. Kids understand the similarities and don't seem particularly put off by the differences.
Joey showed me a great way to help kids learn to relax. Given the opportunity, Joey simply cuddled up with our old Lab, Simba, imitating his long slow breaths and stroking him in a loving manner. In fact, Joey was 'stroking' himself as he gently petted the dog.
Marsha helps Toby feel less anxious in the car by sitting in the back of our SUV while I drive through the neighborhood. As Toby drools into a wash rag Marsha lovingly holds, she is telling him that even though he may feel afraid, there is a part of him that is brave and knows he will be okay. No surprise that Marsha is struggling less on her bus rides to school. She is teaching Toby and herself that they will be okay.
Fortunately, children can learn important lessons from all kinds of animals. It is the caring and the relationship that counts. Since each of us, young and old, can use a little help from time to time, the following are some suggestions of how you might encourage opportunities for your child to learn from the animals that share your life. Don't be surprised if you feel a little better along the way.
Each of us wants to be accepted, without qualification or condition. For young adoptees who may feel 'different than' their peers or other family members, an animal's acceptance is often invaluable. Most of your children attend schools full of high achievers. Whether the prize is making the highest reading group, the most difficult math class, being included when teams are picked at recess, or being invited to the school dance or a sleepover, each child longs to be chosen and included. It's easy to see how a dog's greeting at the door or a kitten's persistent meowing gives children a sense of being valued. I urge you to not discount the hamster's frantic attempts for attention or even the fish coming to the surface to be fed. Children tell me all the time about how they are the fish's favorite or the mouse's "real-taker-carer-of." There is no doubt that children feel unconditionally accepted by their animals. Furthermore, the acceptance is nonjudgmental, forgiving, and uncomplicated.
Parents can build on this sense of connection between your child and the animal to develop a stronger empathic response. Feeling accepted, the child is often able to reciprocate and be genuinely kind and generous with the animal. For parents looking for opportunities to praise their child for acts of loving care, the uncomplicated nature of the relationship between a child and an animal is ripe with such exchanges. Nurturing skills are often the natural outgrowth of a loving relationship between a child and his pet. As the child nurtures, her need to be nurtured is also being met. Parents can point out what they are seeing and in a quiet way give words to the give-and-take occurring.
The physical contact and touch of the family cat or the family rat appears of equal value to the child. Each of us longs to be touched, emotionally and physically, and yet for all sorts of reasons your child may shy away from being touched by caring adults. Having an animal to hug, hold, and touch can be the first steps to reaching out or accepting a parent's loving embrace.
Children also benefit physiologically when an animal is in the home. Watching fish swim in the aquarium, petting the family pet, or tossing a ball for the pup are all relaxing activities for kids. In my next article I will provide examples of techniques that help children learn to relax using the family pet. Ways to teach social skills using animals will also be explored.
Nancy Golden, LCSW, is Co-Director of the Midwest Adoption Center. Midwest Adoption Center provides a wide range of services to individuals touched by adoption and the professionals who serve them. Co-Directors Nancy Golden and Gretchen Schulert opened the Center approximately 15 years ago. MAC offers two search programs, the Confidential Intermediary Services of Illinois and the IDCFS Post-Adoption Service, under contract with IDCFS. Clinical services include individual and family counseling and consultations. Training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community are also offered.
After reading Nancy Golden's article in the October 2005 issue of AdoptNews, "The Benefits of an Adoptive Parent Support Group," I got to thinking about how her article might relate to Crossing the Colorline. Specifically, two things Nancy mentioned struck me.
First, she stated that studies show that participating in a support group can lower stress and increase self-confidence. After thinking about this statement, I think the members of Crossing the Colorline would agree. It can be very stressful to feel as though your family is the only one dealing with a particular issue, whether it has to do with race, adoption or family in general. Being able to share your concerns confidentially with a group of people "in the same boat" can be a huge relief. I can't think of a meeting we've held where most of the group didn't leave without learning something that would help their families, whether it was a different way to answer intrusive questions or simply the ease you see in your children when they're with other families that look like theirs and being around others who "get it."
Of course, much of this can be done via e-mail, chat rooms or by reading books. However, while these types of activities may work for many people, the importance of the personal connection made by meeting face to face with others cannot be understated. Putting in "face time" is particularly helpful for our kids. Perhaps you think "my child is too young, I'll wait until they're older and can understand adoption." Members of our group can attest to the fact that the best time to connect is when your children are young. Meeting regularly when your kids are little allow the children to be comfortable with others, so that by the time your child is old enough to want to "talk adoption" they have had positive experiences with other adoptees. Studies show that just when adolescents have the need to explore their identity with others like themselves, they're also more resistant to joining groups with which they are not familiar. It's nearly impossible to make a meaningful connection with someone having only met them once, which brings me back to Nancy Golden's column.
Nancy gave seven tips for a successful meeting and the "Show Up" tip really struck a chord. This is a tough one for all of us. Children get sick, your spouse is out of town, school conferences are the same night, kids have sports practice, the weather's bad or you're just plain exhausted at the end of the day. Even if you're interested in being part of a group, there are loads of reasons not to come to a meeting. We're all busy and seem to get busier as our kids get older. As our kids get into school and are involved in activities away from home, adoption and race issues take on more importance. Most of the members who show up regularly to Crossing the Colorline have school-age children and almost every meeting someone will show up saying "Wow, I almost didn't come tonight because...," but they made the commitment, showed up and leave glad that they made the effort. The same holds true for getting our children together. Given the choice, most kids initially won't choose to go an AFT event, but once they're at an activity, they're glad they went. When you ask the older kids in Crossing the Colorline, they'll tell you they're glad they know other kids who were adopted.
Even if you think a support group isn't for you, or you and your kids " don't get anything out of it," I challenge you to attend just one AFT family event or support group meeting this year. Add it to your list of New Year's resolutions. You may find that an adoption group is not "your thing," but chances are you or, better yet, your children will make a connection with others with whom you can share the joys and challenges of being an adoptive family. Go to more than one event and you increase those chances.
Here are the thoughts of some Crossing the Colorline members who have graciously agreed to share their reasons for attending support group meetings and family events:
I joined the Crossing the Colorline support group because I needed to find a group of people who have a wide-ranging understanding of transracial adoption because they live it every day as I do. In this group, I feel I can speak out on controversial topics and get the understanding and support that I do not get from the general population. I really enjoy the candid discussion of all matters regarding transracial adoption. Much of what is discussed is hard to talk about with people who are not familiar with it or those who refuse to believe that any transracial adoptive issues exist. The camaraderie among the members and the acceptance of one another's unique perspective is refreshing. I'm looking forward to meeting with the group again soon.
--Terri BudzynI believe that being a part of groups like CCL is one of the greatest gifts I can give to my children. Through CCL, I can learn about and be sensitive to the color issues that affect my children and family and can work to make a difference in this world. Through CCL, my children can grow up knowing and enjoying other adoptees and other transracial families. They will be embraced, not isolated. My wish is that my children grow up feeling that adoption is a beautiful way to grow a family, that our skin colors mean so much and so little, and that they're healthy and strong.
--Beth FryeOur biggest reasons for joining the Crossing the Colorline group were to get to know other adoptive families who adopted cross racially and to develop a support system and friendships for our children and ourselves. Being able to visit and discuss topics of interest / importance to our family has been a real blessing because we are made aware of areas that are going to come up in our lives sooner or later and it helps to have strategies on how to handle things.
--Doug & Laura Duker
Twelve-year-old Mark's parents have done a great job of educating themselves about the issues and challenges of adoptive parenting. They are actively involved in adoptive parent organizations and feel comfortable talking with their children about adoption. Up until just recently, their oldest child, Mark, was also open to talking about adoption.
That's all different now. In September, Mark entered a new school and much to his parent's amazement, is adamant that no one in this school know that he is adopted. Furthermore, Mark leaves the room in a huff if his parents bring up the subject. If asked, Mark says he's fine and just doesn't want to talk about adoption.
What could be going on?
Is Mark's behavior unusual?
Have his parents missed something?
The good news is that Mark is displaying normal behaviors for his age group. The bad news is that young adoptees often struggle with their adoptive status during the pre-teen years.
By this age, children's cognitive understanding of their adoption story has increased dramatically. They are able to recognize on a much deeper level what it means to be adopted and to have two sets of parents; birth and adoptive. Thinking about their birth mother's inability to parent may generate conscious and unconscious feelings of being less-than or somehow damaged. Many feel embarrassed about their background.
During the pre-teen years, children want to be just like everyone else, and for many, being adopted means being different. This feeling of difference often prevails whether or not peers are aware of the child's adoption status.
While it is hard to watch your child struggle, the following are suggested ways to help:
Nancy Golden, LCSW, is Co-Director of the Midwest Adoption Center. Midwest Adoption Center provides a wide range of services to individuals touched by adoption and the professionals who serve them. Co-Directors Nancy Golden and Gretchen Schulert opened the Center approximately 15 years ago. MAC offers two search programs, the Confidential Intermediary Services of Illinois and the IDCFS Post-Adoption Service, under contract with IDCFS. Clinical services include individual and family counseling and consultations. Training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community are also offered.
