This is the fourth in a series of articles focusing on the messages that are sent and received within families. This month I will discuss several games and other family activities that emphasize communication.

Children naturally enjoy all sorts of games. "Dinner-time" can become "game-time," the playful sharing of what happened in your day and how you felt about it. Certainly I am not suggesting that you air without censure your adult struggles, challenges, or victories. Quite the contrary. Keep in mind that this is not the time to "vent." Do that with your partner or friend. Instead, initiate a tradition of each person in the family sharing things that happened during the day. As the adult, you will have the opportunity to model sharing the event as well as the feelings that accompanied the event. Be careful to share something simple, such as forgetting your lunch or your wallet, hearing a compliment from a peer, accidentally breaking some-thing, or being disrespectful to your parent, sibling, or friend. Look for things to share that your child may have also experienced. These stories send the message that everyone makes mistakes, disappoints themselves or others, enjoys recognition, forgets things, gets better at something when they keep trying, . . . the list goes on and on. Gradually include feelings, for instance, "I felt left out," or "I felt proud."

In the beginning, a parent will need to initiate the game. Children usually enjoy lively conversation and, after a few evenings, may begin the game themselves, telling about something that happened at school or with a friend. Parents can gently encourage the feeling part by asking the child how he felt when his friend invited him to the party or the teacher called on him in class. Don't push. If it feels com-fortable and appropriate, you might offer how you might have felt as a child if that had happened to you. Remember, this is supposed to be a game, not a format for a lecture. If the child shares a feeling, remem-ber the importance of valida-tion.

For those of you who feel more comfortable with structure, I would suggest purchasing a board game that promotes communication. One I like is the Talking, Feeling, Doing game. Another game I use is the family version of The Ungame. This game also comes in a pocket-sized version and can be great entertainment during car trips. The Ungame has a very interesting history Rhea Zakich, the game's creator, thought she would never speak again following throat surgery. This California mother was ordered by her doctor not to talk for several months. The fear of never regaining her voice was a horrifying thought to Rhea. The experience, at first traumatic, became a challenge. She was forced to devise her own ways to communicate and found herself forced to listen to others. From her frustration with her inability to com-municate verbally came the concept for the game. She wrote down every question she wished people would ask her and all of the questions she wanted to ask them and couldn't. These questions eventually became an integral part of her new communication concept.

There have been many versions of The Ungame, including the family version. I like this game because there is no compe-tition, no losers, and no com-plicated strategies. While most games have players pretending to be or do something, this game encourages players to be real and honest, whether light-heartedly or seriously. The instruction to remain silent except on your turn encourages players to listen to each other, thereby paving the way for the development of respect and acceptance. Also, players are more apt to be open and honest if there is a guarantee that there will be no interruptions, chal-lenges, criticisms, or discus-sions about their answers. Players are also allowed to say "Pass" or "I'll have to think about this," or "I don't feel comfortable talking about this."

Those of you who have worked with me or attended one of my workshops in the past know that I feel strongly that children need to repeatedly hear the message that having strong and/or difficult feelings is normal and that we, their parents, are not afraid to hear those feelings. Recently, John Stossel narrated a television special entitled "Talking To Your Teenagers." I thought it was very well done. Of course, the fact that I think John Stossel is about the cutest thing on TV and that what he and the professionals said agreed with what I believe probably had something to do with my level of appreciation and enjoyment.

The three main messages offered by the professionals included the following:

1. If you want to continue to have an ongoing, open dialogue with your child, stop lecturing and start listening.

2. Every family should have a banner over the couch in the living room that says, "In this family we talk about all kinds of issues and problems."

3. Everyone encounters difficulties throughout their lifetime; that's normal.

One issue that many young adoptees struggle with is feeling different. It is also a subject that seems especially hard for them to talk about with their parents. Next month's article will offer suggestions of ways to create an environment that can handle difficult feelings and situations. I will also review specific ways to be a good listener.

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or by visiting their website at http://www.macadopt.org .