Ask Nancy Golden
In this column, I respond to questions asked by you, the reader. Please donât worry that your question may be silly or that everyone else knows the answer. Be assured that if you are wondering about something, itâs pretty likely that other adoptive parents have similar concerns. Feel free to include your name or request that it be withheld. While I am unable to respond personally to questions, I do try to answer each question I receive, optimally in the next issue of the AFT newsletter. The newsletter is published five times a year; in February, April, June, October and December. Given the publishing schedule and the volume of questions I sometimes receive I cannot guarantee that each question will be answered in a timely fashion. E-mail your questions to me at ngolden@macadopt.org. My snail mail address is: Nancy Golden, Midwest Adoption Center, 3158 River Rd. Suite 120, DesPlaines, IL 60018.
The following letter was written in response to Nancy Goldenâs last column. The AFT editors and board feel this is an important message. We are grateful to AFT member Sheila for taking the time to write. Sheila says, ăI would welcome any dialogue from other parents who have been in the same situation.ä
Dear Ms. Golden,
As a foster and adoptive mother, I read the letter from ăCollinâs Tired Dad and Momä in the April issue of AFTâs Adoptnews and identified strongly with the parentâs feelings. My heart goes out to him. His letter is infused with descriptions of his state of mind (confused, hopeless, sad, angry, tired). I read your response with some of those same feelings. Understanding ăinducementä does very little to help the daily struggle this parent is going through. The odds are that his child experienced the FIRST SEVEN YEARS of his life in an atmosphere of neglect and/or abuse. As parents of an adopted son who came to us as a foster child at the same age (7), my husband and I were totally unprepared for the lingering and possibly lifelong effects of his early environment. In utero drugs, especially alcohol, can cause a spectrum of behavior problems in exposed children. Attachment problems are not uncommon when children have been raised without the early nurturing they need to form a healthy ego and the ability to care for others. Many (I would say all) kids who come through the system suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder to one degree or another.
From our experience, Collinâs parents need support, understanding, and outside help. They need to get into family therapy, and they need to explore every avenue available to help them raise a child who may not be able to ătransitionä on an easily defined route from one kind of family environment into another. They may need to search for that elusive concept called respite so that they can nourish each other and not blame themselves for not being ăgood enoughä parents. We learned the hard way that, unlike the picture book version we would all like to believe, love is not always enough to overcome the damage sometimes done to children. I certainly do not mean to imply that either Collin or all adopted children are damaged, but I believe it is a disservice to adoptive families not to warn parents that the path to a forever family is sometimes filled with complex challenges and that they are not alone.
Sincerely,
Sheila
Dear Sheila,
Let me begin by thanking you for sharing your experiences in order to help others. I regret that my previous advice might have sounded as though I was offering one concept, inducement, as a ăquick fixä to address the enormous challenges of parenting a child who has experienced early trauma.
Hopefully letters such as yours send the message of inclusiveness and normalization to all of the couples whose daily task it is to heal the child scarred by abuse and neglect.
As you well know, parenting a child who has been removed from their home due to abuse and/or neglect is a daunting task. I have noted below some of the major challenges you and many other families have shared with me over the years I have worked within the adoption community.
1. Adoptive parents are not adequately prepared by the child welfare professionals for the task of parenting a child damaged by early life experiences of neglect and abuse. This is in part due to that fact that there is not funding for sufficient training but also because, as so many families have told me, most of the adoption professionals just donât ăget it.ä
And so the adoptive parents are left feeling overwhelmed and misunderstood.
2. Even when there are services in the community, these services are often difficult to access either because the family doesnât ăqualifyä or due to the high cost of services not covered by existing insurance.
And so adoptive parents are frustrated and angry that they cannot get the help their family needs.
3. Parents facing these kinds of challenges need relief; a relative to sit, a babysitter, or some sort of respite care. Usually none of these are available to the family. The respite care throughout the state is minimal. Often no family member can come, even for a few hours. No babysitter will come twice.
And so the adoptive parents are left feeling completely on their own and exhausted.
4. Adoptive parents worry about their childrenâs future. The children are already experiencing problems academically, socially, and emotionally. How will they manage as adults? Will they be able to live a normal life? Keep a job? Have a family?
Adoptive parents do not know where to turn.
A parent support group is one way to feel understood by others who really ăget it.ä While these kinds of groups are difficult to find, some long-standing groups do exist. At Midwest Adoption Center there is a group of adoptive parents who have been together, meeting regularly, for more than ten years.
Therapists who understand these issues are also hard to come by. Still, more and more there are mental health professionals who do have the expertise required. And when a family connects with the right resource, the trust that develops can feel like a lifesaver.
I urge adoptive families in crisis to not give up but rather to do what you are doing now÷read adoption-related materials, become active in local adoptive parent networks, use each other for encouragement and support, and search for a family therapist who feels like a good fit. Finally, please do not hesitate to call me. I would welcome the opportunity to help you find an appropriate resource in your community. I can be reached at (847) 298-9096.
Nancy
Updated 07/10/2005
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