Therapist Gretchen Harro spoke at AFTâs annual General Meeting on April 30 to a lively group of AFT members. Emotional intelligence, she said, includes the ability to do the following:

đ Know what youâre feeling.
đ Label your emotions.
đ Manage your emotions.
đ Motivate yourself (e.g., delay gratification for a long-term goal).
đ Recognize emotions in others.
đ Handle othersâ emotions.

To help our children develop emotional intelligence, Ms. Harro recommended five steps.

1. Pay attention to your childâs emotions. Donât dismiss a childâs emotions, even if they seem silly to you. Donât disapprove of the childâs emotions÷otherwise, those emotions will go underground and your child will begin to feel that ăNobody knows me.ä and ăIf anyone did know me, they wouldnât like me.ä

2. Recognize emotional times as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching. 3. Listen empathetically and validate the childâs feelings. Maintain eye contact; reflect back what your child says. Usually, asking ăWhy did you do that?ä doesnât work in getting a child to open up. Instead, try asking ăwhatä questions: ăWhat were you thinking when you did that?ä Or make an observation: ăYou look bothered. I wonder if something happened today at school.ä

4. Help your child label emotions. Pantomime games (ăguess the emotionä) will help your child better recognize and name emotions.

5. Set limits on behavior while helping your child problem-solve. Help your child develop a repertoire of ways to cope with strong emotions. Brainstorm and write down ways for your child to deal with anger, such as walking away, hitting a beanbag chair, or drawing a picture. Then teach ways to find solutions to problems, such as thinking of solutions that will satisfy both you and your child and choosing the best solution.

A reading list was provided. Some of the books mentioned were:

Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman
The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene
Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement without Giving In, by Roger Fisher and William Ury
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John Gottman

The discussion included a lively exchange among participants. Many parents had questions about situations that are especially difficult for them. Everyone shared ways they have found to work in dealing with their childrenâs feelings. Marble jars, being fair to siblings, and time-outs for parents were among the topics of conversation.

Thanks to everyone for coming to the meeting and sharing your parenting tips and skills!