In this column, I respond to questions asked by you, the reader. Please donāt worry that your question may be silly or that everyone else knows the answer. Be assured that if you are wondering about something, itās pretty likely that other adoptive parents have similar concerns. Feel free to include your name or request that it be withheld. While I am unable to respond personally to questions, I do try to answer each question I receive, optimally in the next issue of the AFT newsletter. The newsletter is published five times a year; in February, April, June, October and December. Given the publishing schedule and the volume of questions I sometimes receive I cannot guarantee that each question will be answered in a timely fashion. E-mail your questions to me at ngolden@macadopt.org. My snail mail address is: Nancy Golden, Midwest Adoption Center, 3158 River Rd. Suite 120, DesPlaines, IL 60018.

So, letās begin with the question of the month.

Dear Nancy,

My wife and I feel as though we are living a nightmare. Our son, Collin, came to us as a foster child. When he first entered our home he was seven years old. While he struggled with the typical issues experienced by children who have been removed from their birth family by DCFS, over time he seemed to settle down. He began to follow the household rules, his grades improved in school, he developed a few friends, and generally seemed happier.

His adoption was finalized six months ago, and rather than becoming more connected to us, he seems to be acting out in every way possible. We can sum up our feelings by a few statements.

1. We are feeling totally confused and hopeless.
2. A sense of deep sadness has overwhelmed us.
3. I am angrier than I have ever been in my life.
4. Collin is driving us absolutely crazy.

We need help!

Sincerely,
Collinās tired Dad and Mom

Dear Parents,

I am sorry to hear how much your family is struggling. It sounds as though it is a very difficult time, and while I canāt take away your pain, I do have some thoughts which might help you understand what is going on.

I also have surprising news; what looks bad is really good! The good news is that young adoptees usually begin to act out and truly share their pain of abandonment and loss when they believe that they are living with their forever family. In other words, now that Collinās adoption has been finalized, he feels safe enough to ćbe real.ä

The senior staff of Family Focus Adoption Services in New York have applied the concept of inducement to help families understand behaviors such as you describe. These professionals think of inducement as the non-verbal language of abandonment. Inducement within relationships is the process in which one individual sets up the situation so that the other person feels what he/she feels. In other words, if you are feeling crazy, hopeless, filled with rage, and very sad, you are experiencing the same feelings as your child; feelings which he has previously hidden deep inside.

General inducement can be understood with a few classic examples. Imagine that you have had a terrible day at work and come home angry and discouraged. Without saying a word, your actions often induce other family members to feel angry and discouraged. Or imagine a teen-ager who is struggling with feelings of being left-out by those she considers the ćin-crowd.ä She is feeling alone and isolated. She is discouraged and afraid there is something wrong with her. How often do we, the parents, experience our own personal issues of abandonment and being the odd man out when our child acts out those very same feelings? The childās behavior induces feelings of rejection within us, those closest to her.

One difference between general and adoption-related inducement is that young adoptees are experts in setting up those closest to them to feel exactly as they do. When you think about it, foster children have experienced so much loss that in order to survive, the pain is buried deep inside. The safety of the environment allows the terrible feelings to begin to surface. There are no easy answers for how to survive the childās pain and his/her troubling behaviors around it. As the parents, it is very difficult to hold on to the recognition that what feels bad is really good. In the next newsletter I will offer some suggestions aimed at separating the message from the behaviors.

Good luck,
Nancy

Nancy Golden, LCSW, is Co-Director of the Midwest Adoption Center. Midwest Adoption Center provides a wide range of services to individuals touched by adoption and the professionals who serve them. Co-Directors Nancy Golden and Gretchen Schulert opened the Center approximately 10 years ago. MAC offers two search programs, the Confidential Intermediary Services of Illinois and the IDCFS Post-Adoption Service, under contract with IDCFS. Clinical services include individual and family counseling and consultations. Training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community are also offered. The center is currently accepting new clients.