In this column, I respond to questions asked by you, the reader. Please donât worry that your question may be silly or that everyone else knows the answer. Be assured that if you are wondering about something, itâs pretty likely that other adoptive parents have similar concerns. Feel free to include your name or request that it be withheld. While I am unable to respond personally to questions, I do try to answer each question I receive, optimally in the next issue of the AFT newsletter. The newsletter is published five times a year; in February, April, June, October and December. Given the publishing schedule and the volume of questions I sometimes receive I cannot guarantee that each question will be answered in a timely fashion. E-mail your questions to me at ngolden@macadopt.org. My snail mail address is: Nancy Golden, Midwest Adoption Center, 3158 River Rd. Suite 120, DesPlaines, IL 60018.

Dear Nancy,

Our son appears to be having significant mood swings and seems as though he canât make up his mind about what he likes and dislikes. One minute he is happy and saying, ãI love you Mommyä and the next moment shouting, ãYou are stupid, I hate you.ä We canât figure it out. Similarly, one day he looks forward to swimming lessons, the next he is unwilling to go to class. We want to help, but are confused and frustrated. What could be going on?
Confused Mom

Dear Mom,

Children as well as adults may feel confused and uneasy when experiencing two very different feelings at the same time. One reasonable explanation for your sonâs behavior is that he is feeling ambivalence and isnât sure how to handle having opposing feelings swirling around inside. Young adoptees may be particularly vulnerable to this feeling of ambivalence due to significant early loss.

What follows are some simple suggestions I use with the children I see in my practice. The ideas are simple but often prove quite helpful. I encourage you to offer some of these ideas to your son:

1. ãAll kids and sometimes grown-ups have very different feelings about the same thing at the very same time. Thatâs normal and perfectly OK.ä Give an example of ambivalent feelings you had as a child (wanting to go to a sleep-over and giggle with friends, but afraid to go to sleep in a strange bed). Remind your son that all kids think about their birthparents some of the time and that thatâs fine with you. Take this opportunity to talk about how young adoptees may feel confused when they feel angry and loving to their birth and adoptive parents. Normalize and validate his feelings.

2. ãTalking about these kinds of feelings might seem hard but it really helps. Saying something out loud often helps us figure out the different feelings.ä Tell your son that you are glad he told you about his feelings concerning swimming lessons. Mention that sometimes kids about his age have these kinds of feelings about swimming lessons. Offer that a lot of times kids want to go to swim lessons because itâs fun, but may at the same time be scared.

3. ãI like when you talk with me about what you are feeling because then we can work together to figure out what might make you feel better.ä Offer an example of a time when you two came up with a successful plan.

4. Suggest that he may be worrying now, but that you have noticed that once he gets to swimming class, he has lots of fun. The goal of this suggestion is to help him see that once you start something, scary feelings often dissipate.

5. ãAs you get older, having different feelings about the same thing gets easier to handle.ä Use an example from your own life.

Finally, I would suggest that you read Barbara Cainâs book Double-Dip Feelings with your son. This simple book helps young children understand their emotions by offering examples that are familiar to most children.

One example presents the common dilemma in which a new baby enters the home. The storybook child feels both ãsomersault joyä and ãleft-out sad.ä

Similarly, when Daniel stands on the diving board for the very first time, he thinks, ãI promised my Dad that I would do this but I wish I could change my mind.ä The reader is asked, ãDid you ever feel both brave and afraid at the very same time?ä

In the second edition of the book, Jane Annunziata, Psy.D. offers children and their parents guidelines for dealing with conflicting feelings.

Good luck,

Nancy

Nancy Golden, LCSW, is Co-Director of the Midwest Adoption Center. Midwest Adoption Center provides a wide range of services to individuals touched by adoption and the professionals who serve them. Co-Directors Nancy Golden and Gretchen Schulert opened the Center approximately 10 years ago. MAC offers two search programs, the Confidential Intermediary Services of Illinois and the IDCFS Post-Adoption Service, under contract with IDCFS. Clinical services include individual and family counseling and consultations. Training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community are also offered. The center is currently accepting new clients.