In this column, I respond to questions asked by you, the reader. Please donât worry that your question may be silly or that everyone else knows the answer. Be assured that if you are wondering about something, itâs pretty likely that other adoptive parents have similar concerns. Feel free to include your name or request that it be withheld. While I am unable to respond personally to questions, I do try to answer each question I receive, optimally in the next issue of the AFT newsletter. The newsletter is published five times a year; in February, April, June, October and December. Given the publishing schedule and the volume of questions I sometimes receive I cannot guarantee that each question will be answered in a timely fashion. E-mail your questions to me at ngolden@macadopt.org. My snail mail address is: Nancy Golden, Midwest Adoption Center, 3158 River Rd. Suite 120, DesPlaines, IL 60018.

Dear Nancy,

During the past few months, my nine-year-old son seems to have fixated on the monetary aspect of adoption and has been asking questions like, ăDo you pay for the babies?ä and ăDoes it cost a lot?ä Although I have assured him that adoptive parents do not buy their babies, but pay only for services (hospital, delivery, legal fees, etc.), he continues to pursue the topic with comments like, ăOh, of course everyone has to pay the doctor, but adopted kidsâ families must have to pay more because of the paperwork, right?ä And, upon hearing that my husband and I adopted him because we wanted to raise a child very much, he commented that adoptive parents must be willing to pay more; thus, they are charged more.

I really hope that he is not feeling like a commodity. I donât know whether this line of commentary is indicative that he is, but want to make sure that the way I respond to him underscores that he is not in our family only because of a business transaction. Do you have any suggestions on how to accomplish this?

Sincerely,
Stumped Mother

Dear Stumped Mother,

Although the questions your son is asking may be difficult to hear and complicated to respond to, they are nonetheless normal for his age group. I would suggest that you begin by reminding your son that you are always glad to hear his thoughts and feelings about adoption. Tell him that you welcome all his questions, and because he is asking such important ones, you have taken some time to think about the best way to answer him. Emphasize that his questions are normal and that a lot of adopted kids are wondering about the same sorts of things. The following responses would be appropriate for a nine-year-old adoptee:

ăThanks for sharing with me some of the things you have been wondering about concerning adoption. Let me tell you some information that you may or may not know, and then if you feel like it, we can talk more together about it.

ăMaking plans for a child who is going to be adopted is a very serious matter. All of the people involved care a lot about how it all comes out because adopting a child is such an important thing.

ăEveryone involved has strong feelings about it÷and they are often complicated feelings. But the most important thing is to be sure that the best decisions are made for the child.

ăProfessionals with special education and training are usually the ones having the responsibility to help the people involved and to make the many decisions and plans that happen when a child is adopted. Often times the planning begins long before the child is born. Sometimes all of the work is done after the birth of the child.

ăThere are often lawyers and health care professionals and social workers involved. In addition, very often the birth mother does not have insurance to cover the medical care and hospital costs of having a baby. The adoptive family often helps with those costs.ä

I wouldnât suggest offering any more details at this time. I would spend time together sharing a snack or going out for a walk. Simply ask your son if he has any questions at this time about what you have said. Remind him that you are always available to hear his thoughts and that one of your jobs as his mom is to try to answer his questions.

Good luck.

Nancy

Nancy Golden, LCSW, is Co-Director of the Midwest Adoption Center. Midwest Adoption Center provides a wide range of services to individuals touched by adoption and the professionals who serve them. Co-Directors Nancy Golden and Gretchen Schulert opened the Center approximately 10 years ago. MAC offers two search programs, the Confidential Intermediary Services of Illinois and the IDCFS Post-Adoption Service, under contract with IDCFS. Clinical services include individual and family counseling and consultations. Training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community are also offered. The center is currently accepting new clients.