In this column, I respond to questions asked by you, the reader. Please donât worry that your question may be silly or that everyone else knows the answer. Be assured that if you are wondering about something, itâs pretty likely that other adoptive parents have similar concerns. Feel free to include your name or request that it be withheld. While I am unable to respond personally to questions, I do try to answer each question I receive, optimally in the next issue of the AFT newsletter. The newsletter is published five times a year; in February, April, June, October and December. Given the publishing schedule and the volume of questions I sometimes receive I cannot guarantee that each question will be answered in a timely fashion. E-mail your questions to me at ngolden@macadopt.org. My snail mail address is: Nancy Golden, Midwest Adoption Center, 3158 River Rd. Suite 120, DesPlaines, IL 60018.

Dear Nancy,

My nearly 6-year-old daughter has started asking hard questions about her birthmother. Sheâs asked me whether she (my daughter) was sad when her birthmother left her. And she reacted strongly recently to a movie that had an adoption theme. My daughter is from another country and was abandoned at the hospital shortly after birth. Iâve told her that her birthmother couldnât take care of a baby and was probably sad to leave her. Iâve also told her that I realized I could never do such a thing. I donât want her to think that mothers generally abandon their children when things get tough. I sometimes talk about her birthmother as her ãotherä mother or ãfirstä mother (as in ãYou grew in your other mommyâs tummy.ä) Is this OK, or confusing to her? Recently she said to me (quite cheerfully), ãYouâre not my first mommy. Youâre my second mommy.ä Do you have any advice on appropriate ways to talk about all this hard stuff with a child this age? A Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned Mother,

While I understand your concerns, let me assured you that your daughterâs comments are typical for adoptees of this age, and well within the range of what we would expect to see played out in the normative adoptive family life cycle. Indeed, the fact that your daughter feels comfortable asking these kinds of questions and articulating these kinds of feelings demonstrates that she experiences you as someone with whom she can talk about her adoption issues.

Continue to encourage your daughter to talk about her feelings and thoughts about her birth family and why her birthmother wasnât able to parent at that time. When your daughter brings up any adoption-related topic, begin your part of the dialogue with a positive and welcoming statement, such as;

ãI am always happy when you talk with me about your adoption and how we came to be an adoptive family.ä

ãEven when you are feeling sad or angry about what happened, I like talking with you.ä

ãThatâs the part of you that thinks about being adopted and the way we became a family.ä

ãI know that a lot of times it feels like I donât have the answers to your questions, but it is still good for you to ask me. Talking about things helps.ä

Make sure you also validate and normalize the feelings she shares with you. Be specific. Try to give good information that your child can understand. For example:

Statements that validate feelings:

ãI understand why you might feel sad when you think about your birthmother leaving you at the hospital.ä

ãSounds like you think that maybe your birthmother didnât care about you.ä

Statements that give information:

ãIn (use the name of childâs country of origin), birthmothers who couldnât take care of their babies often left them at a hospital or an orphanage or even the police department.ä

ãWhile it was probably very very hard for your birthmother to leave you at the hospital, she probably left you there because she knew someone would find you and take care of you.ä

ãYes, you are correct, you probably were sad when your birthmother left you at the hospital. Babies are usually sad for a while when they have a new person to take care of them. But you were the kind of baby that learned to care about the next person who took care of you. We can tell that because you are such a loving child now.ä

Statements that normalize feelings:

ãThinking about things such as why your birthmother left you at the hospital is normal for adopted kids.ä

ãMost kids that are adopted think about that kind of thing.ä

ãItâs ok for you to feel sad and miss your birthmother now. I understand and itâs ok. A lot of kids who are adopted feel like that sometimes.ä

Your daughterâs strong reactions after watching a movie with an adoption theme are normal. This is also an excellent opportunity for you to talk about the issues and feelings the movie raised for your child. Watching this kind of movie together is important. Then everyone can talk together about how they felt about the movie. In fact, even if your child does not mention the adoption theme, raise the issue yourself.

To answer your question regarding a way to refer to the woman who gave birth to your daughter, I would suggest that you chose one way and remain consistent. Since Îbirthmotherâ is generally accepted, that might be the best choice.

All children need parents who are able to talk about Îthe hard stuff,â whether that Îstuffâ is related to adoption, or not being popular, or not being picked for sports teams, or being bullied, or not having someone to sit with in the lunch room, or any one of the many difficult situations that youngsters face. ãBest parenting practiceä requires that we be thoughtful, gently non-judgmental, proactive, intentional, and educated. Look for opportunities to talk about adoption in an unforced manner. Movies, TV, and the general media are fertile ground. When your childâs feelings are painful or even personally hurtful, talk with other adults about how that feels to you. Work hard to manage those feelings so that you can Îstay withâ your daughter when she is sad or angry. Most importantly, give her the message that in your house, everyone can talk about and listen to Îhard stuff.â

Good luck.

Nancy

Nancy Golden, LCSW, is Co-Director of the Midwest Adoption Center. Midwest Adoption Center provides a wide range of services to individuals touched by adoption and the professionals who serve them. Co-Directors Nancy Golden and Gretchen Schulert opened the Center approximately 10 years ago. MAC offers two search programs, the Confidential Intermediary Services of Illinois and the IDCFS Post-Adoption Service, under contract with IDCFS. Clinical services include individual and family counseling and consultations. Training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community are also offered. The center is currently accepting new clients.