In this column, I respond to questions asked by you, the reader. Please donât worry that your question may be silly or that everyone else knows the answer. Be assured that if you are wondering about something, itâs pretty likely that other adoptive parents have similar concerns. Feel free to include your name or request that it be withheld. While I am unable to respond personally to questions, I do try to answer each question I receive, optimally in the next issue of the AFT newsletter. The newsletter is published five times a year; in February, April, June, October and December. Given the publishing schedule and the volume of questions I sometimes receive I cannot guarantee that each question will be answered in a timely fashion. E-mail your questions to me at ngolden@macadopt.org. My snail mail address is: Nancy Golden, Midwest Adoption Center, 3158 River Rd. Suite 120, DesPlaines, IL 60018.

So, letâs begin with the question of the month.

Dear Nancy,

I have three children (all by adoption) in grade school. Iâve read some general child development books and a wide variety of adoption books, but I have a tough time determining if certain behaviors my kids are displaying are just typical for their age/development or if there is an underlying adoption issue I should be dealing with. I donât want to assume every problem my kids have has to do with adoption, but I also donât want to miss an opportunity to help them through an adoption issue theyâre struggling with by just chalking it up to, for example, ãthatâs just a typical third-grade girl thing.ä Any suggestions on how I can sort it out? Thanks, Juli

Dear Juli,

Thank you for raising the nearly universal question of all adoptive parents, ãIs this an adoption issue?ä As you have not described specific behaviors, allow me to offer a few examples.

ãWhy is Jeff having so much trouble focusing in school? Is he just being a fifth-grade boy, looking out the window of his classroom and dreaming about playing soccer, or could he be daydreaming about his birth family?ä

ãGerri has trouble falling asleep at night. She calls out to us or comes into our room many nights, saying she is afraid someone will break into the house and take her away. Could her fears be about her birth parents coming after her? Do other nine-year-olds struggle so much with this issue?ä

ãLast year, when the girls were in third grade, Marshaâs best friend moved out of town. We are concerned that Marsha still seems lonely and talks a lot about reconnecting with this friend. Do you think these behaviors are related to her being adopted?ä

Juli, you are already well on your way to ãsorting it out.ä By learning the basics of how the typical child grows and develops, as well as reading about the normative issues of the young adoptee, you can begin to interpret and understand the combination of forces that are Îdrivingâ a particular behavior. For example, thinking about Jeff, the fifth-grader described above, the literature tells us that daydreaming is a normal behavior of fifth-grade boys. The research on young adoptees tells us that young adoptees think about their birth parents often, not every day, but many days. What we can say from our reading is that many fifth-graders daydream and fifth-grade adoptees may be daydreaming about their birth parents.

While it may sound simplistic, listening to and talking with your children about what you are observing can also help you ãsort outä what is going on. Children ãtellä us about themselves in many ways; through their behaviors, their words, or their silence.

Be your childâs best listener. Children will often tell us whatâs going on inside if we listen to them with absolute respect and a belief that they have good information and perceptions about their situation. Offer your child empathic understanding. Put yourself in your childâs place and anticipate the questions or feelings you might have. Use phrases such as ãIf I were you, I might be wondering·.ä Acknowledge that this is difficult stuff to talk about, but that you want to listen and understand as best you can. Let the child know that sometimes things donât always make sense. Listen to your child with positive regard and acceptance, even if their expression of feelings stirs up personal issues.

Create a home environment that gives kids the message that yours is the kind of family that talks about all kinds of topics, some easy and some much more difficult. Teach by modeling the behavior you want to see in your children. Bring up adoption issues when it is appropriate. Do not wait until your child asks questions. Use stories in the media as an opportunity to talk about family and relationships. Pay attention to story lines that involve loss. Do not ask your child if he/she is feeling a certain way. Rather, use statements such as, ãI think that lots of kids who are adopted think about their birth parents on their birthdayä or ãI bet you sometimes wonder where you got your athletic ability.ä While alluring, try not to ask your child his/her opinion, as that is often too hard for them. As Holly van Gulden suggests, ãdrop pebbles,ä offering comments about adoption or family building or genetics or whatever comes to mind. Your goal is to demonstrate to your child that whatever he/she are thinking is okay and that you will not be hurt if your child shares the thoughts and feelings.

Talk regularly and often about being an adoptive family. If you talk freely about a subject, your child will be more willing to talk about it too. The subject of sex is a perfect example of the opposite effect. When a subject is never discussed within the family, children get the message that the topic is taboo. Think about your own family of origin. How often do you discuss sexual feelings or behaviors with your parents? And if by chance you do, I would wager that you grew up in a family in which parents modeled that behavior.

Learn about the specific issues that adoptees often struggle with during the grade school years. Be actively involved in your childâs school curriculum. As a child therapist, I continue to be amazed at how sensitive adopted children can be to stories of baby bears lost in the woods or tales of family separations or loss. Having prior knowledge about and possible input into what your child is reading and doing in school can be extremely helpful. Fine-tune your sensitivities to topics that may be particularly stirring to the young adoptee. In my experience, movies such as Babe or any themes of separation and loss between family members, whether human or animal, can elicit a generalized anxious response.

Finally, continue to talk with other adoptive parents about what is going on in their families. Keep up the reading and participation in adoptive parent organizations. Consider joining a small educational support group for adoptive parents. Ongoing groups offer members a safe place to learn and talk about important and sometimes difficult issues. Sharing our experiences normalizes them and helps us all feel less alone.

Good luck.

Nancy

Nancy Golden, LCSW, is Co-Director of the Midwest Adoption Center. Midwest Adoption Center provides a wide range of services to individuals touched by adoption and the professionals who serve them. Co-Directors Nancy Golden and Gretchen Schulert opened the Center approximately 10 years ago. MAC offers two search programs, the Confidential Intermediary Services of Illinois and the IDCFS Post-Adoption Service, under contract with IDCFS. Clinical services include individual and family counseling and consultations. Training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community are also offered. The center is currently accepting new clients.