This is the fifth in a series of articles that focuses on ways an adoption therapist can be helpful to adoptive families. Last month's article included a vignette which was a compilation of work with families making use of the consultative services at the Center. The As were described as a couple who tried to protect their child by not talking about difficult subjects, including her adoptive status. Unfortunately, without permission to talk about what was troubling her, Janice, their child, demonstrated her needs and issues by acting out rather than learning how to talk through troubling feelings and thoughts.

Many of us grew up in homes in which the parents believed that their children would be best served by not talking about an uncle's alcoholism, a sibling's learning disabilities, or our own particular struggles. Naturally our parents did this for all the right reasons. This was the mantra of parenting ãin those days.ä Still, pretending something isn't there or is unimportant when it clearly is, never did and never will prove helpful to anyone. As a famous psychotherapist once said, ãIf there is an elephant in the room and we pretend there isn't an elephant in the room, eventually one of us is going to step in the elephant's poop.ä A wiser statement was never uttered. And while it is human nature to imitate or model after those whom we respect and admire, as adults we sometimes behave in ways we vowed against as children. If we are honest, most of us must admit to saying and doing things that are all too reminiscent of our parent's lectures, warnings, criticisms or admonishments.

How can you become more sensitive to your children's needs rather than falling back into old habits and behaviors? One excellent method is to try to understand what your child's experience is and what would be most helpful to him/her given that experience. To that end, I would like to invite you, the reader, to participate in an exercise that we use at the Center. To be part of the experience, read through the exercise and then close your eyes and try to ãbeä a young adoptee. Have paper and pencil at hand.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself as a seven-year-old adoptee. What did you look like when you were seven years old? Picture yourself doing something that you remember doing at that age. Are you at home, at school, out playing in the neighborhood? What are you wearing? Who is with you?

You were adopted into a wonderful family. You have terrific parents. There is lots of love in your home. Although no one ever really talks about adoption, you can't remember not knowing that you were adopted. Your parents told you that your birth mother was too young to take care of you. She didn't have a job or a home and didn't know how to be a good parent. She wanted you to have a home with a mom and a dad.

Making an adoption plan was a hard decision but she believed she was doing what was best for you. That is all you know. You have no other details or information.

When you were younger, before starting school, you thought that everyone was adopted. Once you started school, your realized that most of the kids weren't adopted, in fact, no one you knew in your whole classroom said they were adopted. You felt like the only one· different from everyone else. At the same time, other things began happening. The kids on the playground were asking hard questions, such as ãwhy didn't your real mother keep you?ä

And since you are a brave kid, even though it was very difficult, you got up enough nerve to ask your parents some of the questions the kids at school were asking you. Unfortunately, although your parents wanted to help you, they had no information and therefore couldn't supply the answers to your questions.

Luckily, since you are such a bright child, you came up with another idea. You decide to write a letter to your birth mother and take it to the Adoption Agency. Your plan is to put the letter in your file in hopes that some day your birth mother will call, or contact the Agency in some manner and your letter will be waiting for her. Your parents and the Agency agree to the plan. The

Agency worker does say that since there are many requests such as yours, you have only one chance, one letter to write which includes all of your questions.

Write a letter to your birthmother. Ask her the questions that you have in your heart. Tell her all of the things about youself that you want to share with her. Remember, this is your only chance.

How was it for you to write this letter, knowing it was your only chance? What was it like to ask the questions? How important did it seem to get answers? Was it enough that your parents wanted to help, even though they couldn't? Did you wonder whether or not your birthmother cared about you then and still cares now? Did you wonder if your birth mother lovingly held you, kissed you, gave you a name?

The goal of this experience is to help you and other adoptive parents feel some of what young adoptees feel; the longing for answers, the dream of a birth mother who cared and a sense of entitlement around thinking about his/her birth family.

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or visit their website at http://www.macadopt.org