This is the fourth in a series of articles focusing on the ways a therapist with special expertise in adoption can be a resource for children and their adoptive families. Clinical services offered at the Center are designed to meet the particular needs of each client, including therapeutic and consultative services to individuals, couples, and families. Groups for children offer another type of learning environment in which commonality is the key element. Latency-aged children and adolescents are excellent candidates for this type of group experience as they often share more information in a semi-structured group setting with others like themselves than with an individual therapist.

Quite often, consultation rather than therapy is the best option for adoptive parents. Over the years, we have realized that many families need education and consultation, rather than therapy. Typically, the therapist consults with the adoptive parents for an initial assessment; gathering information about the family and identifying areas of strength as well as those needing attention and intervention. The second phase of the work involves the therapist giving the parents feedback, including an educational piece focused on the particular needs of the family and specific techniques to implement at home. In the third phase, the parents, armed with new insights and skills, implement what they have learned and in doing so, become the agents of change within their families.

Families often turn to the Center for help when their child first begins to think about adoption as a problem. Adoptive families with latency-aged children who are not talking about adoption, but are acting out or experiencing problems at home, school or in the neighborhood also find consultation services helpful.

The vignette that follows is a compilation of my work with families such as these. While it may appear to be the story of one adoptive family, in fact, it is the story of many who try to protect their children by not talking about adoption. Fortunately, they are also parents who recognized a problem and sought professional help.

Janice's parents, Mr. and Mrs. A, came to the Center asking for help in understanding their only child's troubling behaviors and strong expression of feelings. Mr. and Mrs. A enjoy satisfying careers and have created a life style that allows sufficient time for family and friends. They are resourceful, playful, loving, and steady parents, who work hard to understand and provide a nurturing environment at home.

Janice, now seven, was three days old when she joined her family. According to the As, ãJanice always knew she was adopted but never seemed particularly interested in talking about it.ä Janice has a picture of her birth mother and knows that her name is Marsha. She has a few books about adoption but shows little interest in them. The As say that they are open to talking about adoption with Janice, but believe that bringing it up ãmakes too big of a deal about itä and ãmight even make it harder.ä

The event that precipitated Mrs. A's call to the Center was a conversation she overheard in which Janice denied to her friends that she was adopted. When Mrs. A tried to talk with Janice about what she heard, her daughter began shouting, ãI hate you, I hate you. You are not my real mother and you never understand.ä Janice appeared to be struggled in several areas. Previously a cheerful easy-going child, the parents reported that during the last year, their daughter was regularly ãextremely uncooperative,ä at times seemed ãreally, really sadä and more and more often expressed feelings of being different.

The As, like many adoptive parents, wanted to better understand their child and to learn what they could do differently. They were open to taking a look at the family dynamics including the messages each of them had received from their families of origin.

Our first area of focus was patterns of communication in their families of origin. Not surprisingly, both of them grew up in families that did not talk about difficult issues or feelings. The message they received as children was that it was better not to bring up hard stuff. Each told stories about the ãforbiddenä topics in their family. Their combined list may sound fairly familiar to you, the reader. Subjects such as divorce, health problems, mental illness, illegitimacy, sex, and money were rarely talked about in living rooms in the 50's and 60's. Mr. and Mrs. A laughed to think that despite their best intentions, in some ways they were behaving exactly as they said they would never act· just like their parents.

Each felt confident enough to laugh at that part of him/her self and at the same time to be ready to consider how they could do it differently. The As were given plenty of material to read and as they did, they began to understand in a very meaningful way that adoption was just one more ãdifficult thingä that they had unintentionally avoided in order to ãspareä Janice some unspoken pain.

They learned that adopted children do think about being adopted, not every day, not all of the time, but some of the time. And they also began to understand that when they, the parents, didn't talk about ãit,ä their child was left alone to manage her feelings. They realized that when parents don't take the responsibility to talk about difficult subjects, their children gather information from a variety of resources, none particularly reliable. When you think about it, would you want your child to learn about important issues from friends and the media? I doubt it.

The As began to consider the possibility that Janice wasn't talking about being adopted because somehow she was getting the message that the subject was taboo or maybe just ãtoo toughä for her parents to hear. Latency-aged children generally want to please their parents and when there isn't permission to talk about ãhard things,ä the child gets the message and is silent. The As began to initiate conversations about adoption when it was appropriate. Old habits are hard to break and new ones often feel awkward. Since the As weren't used to talking about adoption, specific techniques were suggested. For example, the parents each marked their calendar with little reminders about opening up adoption conversation on the specified day. They were also encouraged to look for opportunities using television or a movie to talk about adoption. Once they got started, they discussed many issues that had once seemed ãtoo hard,ä ãtoo hardä for Janice, and ãtoo hardä for them, as well. They learned to open up a topic without asking questions. Their message was ãwe are comfortable talking about this and we invite you to join in when and if you want.ä They resisted the temptation to add, ãWhat do you think?ä Rather, they merely created an opening for some new family dialogue.

I encourage you, the reader, to look for opportunities to talk about a wide range of difficult topics with your child. Try out some new ones and see how they feel. My guess is that like most things in life, the more you do it the easier it will become.

Good luck!

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or visit their website at http://www.macadopt.org