Last month's column focused on some of the reasons why adoptive families may be somewhat reluctant to seek professional help and guidance concerning adoption related issues. This article will describe typical situations that adoptive couples face before and after placement. Ways in which a professional might be helpful will also be included. Next month's column will focus on case examples involving adoptive families and their children. The following vignettes are compilations gathered from clinical work at the Center.

Vignette #1

Susan and Steve R. are in their late 30's, happily married for five years. Both of them are bright, engaging and quite articulate. Professionally, each is in a field that requires scientific investigation and analytic thinking. As a couple, it is clear that each deeply respects and values the other. They began trying to conceive three years ago, and now believe they are at end of their fertility work. They are left with little hope of conceiving a child and are confused about whether or not adoption is a good choice for them. When asked what they hoped to learn from the consultation, they stated that they wanted help in making a decision about adopting, "we want a third perspective."

While Susan describes her family as warm, nurturing, and "pretty normal", Steve remembers his as "the typical dysfunctional family". Steve's negative memories include serious problems concerning the family finances, retardation in a sibling, a father who was cold, harsh and unavailable, and the divorce of his parents. This is Steve's second marriage, the first ending when his wife had an affair and became pregnant with his best friend.

Susan and Steve are financially secure and as Steve described , "we are living in the manner I had only dreamed for myself before". They enjoy similar activities and have created a friendship network in their community and workplaces.

Like many competent couples facing tough emotional issues, Susan and Steve felt frozen, unable to make a decision. They needed a professional's guidance to remind them of the decision-making skills they already possessed and to provide an organized way to look at the problem, identify the issues, and come to a decision that was right for them.

Although the Rs were usually able to honestly share their feelings, this issue was just too emotionally laden to allow for honest, open communication. Rather than risk the pain, each had unconsciously chosen to remain silent. Hence, no useful dialogue had taken place.

Using a worksheet developed at the Center, the couple began this difficult process. Steve identified fears of "parenting like my Dad", leftover feelings from his first marriage, and concerns about not being able to manage financially. Susan recognized her intense desire to "have a baby" and her fear that Steve did not and perhaps could not understand how important this was for her.

As with so many other things in life, understanding your fear, confronting it, and putting it into words can make it more manageable. A copy of the "Fears Worksheet" has been included in this article. Couples facing difficult issues such as talking to their child about adoption or sharing difficult birth information may find also this outline helpful.

Vignette #2

Bonnie called asking for help two weeks after placement. She and her husband, Don, had one biological daughter, Lindsey, but due to genetic complications discovered at her birth, a decision was made to adopt a second child. The newly placed infant, according to her mother, Laura, was beautiful and "perfect in every way". Bonnie was clear, "the problem is the Mom, me." "I'm too old to do this, this baby would probably be better off with her birth family," she continued. "What's more, I'm not going to have the patience I did with Lindsey, she (the baby) deserves more, a better Mom," Bonnie said.

Bonnie and Don had been happily married for seven years. This was the first marriage for Bonnie and the second for Don. A child from Don's previous marriage, Marsha, spent summers and vacations with the D. family.

To further complicate the family dynamics, Marsha's mother was experiencing serious problems in her life and relied on her daughter, to be her friend and emotional support. Marsha's mother's feelings of jealousy concerning Don's second marriage influenced her behavior and she was unable to be supportive of Marsha's connection to her father and step-mother.

The Ds are delightful parents, enthusiastic and full of fun. Highly motivated, they are educated about adoption issues and became active in support group meetings offered by their agency. Prior to Lindsey's placement, they had been involved in eight failed adoptions. Bonnie had varying degrees of direct contact with all of the birth mothers prior to delivery. An empathic and caring woman, Bonnie came to care about each birth mother. For one reason or another, each chose to parent. While understanding and recognizing the birth mother's right to choose, as a couple they were "done" and before getting the call from the agency, had put away the crib and decided "it would never happen".

Although the Ds were clear about the degree of openness they were comfortable with, the plan changed when Laura's birth mother suddenly asked for direct monthly contact for one year after placement. The Ds agreed.

Our first meeting at the Center included Bonnie and the infant, Laura. Observing Bonnie, it was easy to see that she was not too old to parent again. In fact, her vitality shone through her depression loud and clear. The question, of course, was not, "Am I too old to do this?" but rather, "What feelings are getting in the way of me doing this and doing it well?"

Helping Bonnie and Don get back on track involved looking at what had come before; grieving the losses of those babies, feeling the pain of the birth mothers, and in the process, allowing Bonnie to feel entitled to love and care for Laura. All adoptive parents struggle with entitlement issues. Parents ask themselves if they have a "right" or a "claim" to the child. For the Ds, their entitlement issues were generalized to all of the children they imagined parenting and the knowledge of the birth mothers' pain around relinquishment. Thinking in those terms, its understandable that Bonnie would feel uneasy about what was expected of her.

The Ds began to process their losses, slowly emerging from the pain and moving towards recovery. Identifying the issues helped Bonnie to recognize her feelings as normal, given the circumstances. With this new point of view, her self-esteem, self-confidence, and energy began to grow.

The Ds anger, at themselves and the birth family concerning the plan for face-to-face monthly contact continued. Bonnie and Don confronted their anger and then developed a plan to help them "get through" what they had agreed to do. While recognizing their responsibility to live up to their word, visiting never got easier.

With time and the support of friends and professionals they were able to understand the birth family's needs and eventually came to believe that what they were doing, while difficult, would be a unique part of their child's story.

Bonnie also got in touch with her special sensitivities around parenting a child for whom she did not give birth. As is the case for many women, Bonnie was already feeling as though she was parenting a child of another mother. Cast in the role of step-mother to Marsha, Bonnie felt watched and criticized by "the other mother". Again, recognizing the problem was the first step to understanding the intensity of feelings and the beginning path towards change.

While parenting an adopted child is, for the most part, the same as parenting any other child, adoptive parents do face some unique challenges. Steve and Susan, and Bonnie and Don are typical folks, struggling with special issues of adoptive families. What distinguishes them is that they recognized a problem and sought professional help. I encourage you to remember that from time to time each of us needs professional help, an outside perspective. Remember, children need parents who encourage them and model for them that the best way to live is to meet life head on, to be ready to manage what's real, rather than looking the other way, being secretive, or pretending something isn't or didn't really happen.

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or visit their website at http://www.macadopt.org