Have you ever used an accountant to do your taxes? How about engaging an attorney to represent you in court? When you have a shooting pain in your back, have you sought relief from a chiropractor? What about a plumber to fix the leak under the kitchen sink or a clogged drain?

You might have been able to successfully struggle through your complicated tax returns without creating a pen-pal relationship with the IRS. If you devoted a great deal of time to educating yourself sufficiently, you might have been able to navigate the court system on your own. Maybe with enough begging and elaborate instructions such as "up a little" or "over to the right" and "not so hard," your spouse might have rubbed your back long enough so there was some temporary relief. There is even an outside chance that you could have muddled through the "how to fix-it" books available at your local library long enough to make the drip stop or the drain work. But instead, most likely, you decided to find a professional, a person with expertise, to help you figure out what was going on and to work with you to solve the problem.

At first glance, it seems natural for adoptive parents to use the expertise of an adoption therapist when they need help understanding what is going on in their family. But that is just not the case. Rather, families are struggling alone, often allowing a situation that began as something relatively minor, to escalate into a family problem of a greater magnitude.

Organizing my thoughts in preparation for this column, I naturally began to think about many of the adoptive parents and their children I have met and/or worked with over the last ten years. Couples struggling to adopt within the agency system and those involved in private adoptions or agency assisted private adoptions. Adoptive families who thought they "knew it all," at least until their child challenged them in a way that pushed that special button or touched a very, very sensitive nerve. Children searching to understand what it means to be adopted. Confused grandparents, angry birthparents, anxious adoptive parents, struggling adoptees---all trying to figure out what was going on, both in their heads and in their hearts.

In many ways, adoptive parents are certainly just like folks whose children come into their family through birth. But there are also some important differences. One of these differences is that adoptive parents are sort of "set up" to feel as though they have to be perfect parents and perfect partners. This set-up often begins during the home study process. Families may feel judged by the agency. Couples must demonstrate that they are stable, able, flexible, financially secure, open-minded, excellent communicators, in touch with their feelings, able to maintain good relationships with extended family, able to grieve, able to accept, able to forgive. The list goes on and on.

More and more, prospective adoptive couples also feel that they must stand and be judged by the birthparents. Will they pick me? Am I good enough? How should I act? What should I say? Will we be rejected? Should we really be chosen? This is tough emotional work. It's not difficult to recognize the unusual circumstances that perspective adoptive couples find themselves in.

After working so hard to prove they can do this, adoptive parents are often reluctant to ask for help along the way. Parents wonder whether or not they really are "good enough parents," or if it would be different if they were younger, or read more books or perhaps read less books. Maybe in the quiet of night you have wondered if this is really a good fit, or if the birth mother and her family might truly have done a better job.

Adoptive parents wonder what to do when their child doesn't look like anyone in their family. They are puzzled about how to handle a situation when physical appearances are strikingly similar, and ways to respond to remarks such as "You look just like your Dad with those freckles and that red hair". What is going on when your child says, "You are not my real parents"? How can you help him when peers ask, "why didn't your real parents keep you?"

Families have a variety of resources to turn to for help. Educating yourselves through reading and attending conferences are excellent ways to answer many of the questions adoptive families face. Joining adoptive family organizations such as CAFFA, AFT, Stars of David, or other local area groups is also useful. Being connected with others that are meeting the same challenges provides a natural forum for learning. The recognition that our problems are not so different is very, very comforting.

Other problems and family situations are best understood and resolved by working with a professional whose special expertise is in adoption related issues. Part II of this article will focus on the special work of the adoption therapist.

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or visit their website at http://www.macadopt.org