Middle childhood represents a major developmental milestone for a child. As your child's world expands, so does his ability to think about and understand his place in it. According to Erik Erikson, the major psycho-social task during middle childhood is the struggle between Industry and Inferiority. When the child masters age-appropriate tasks, his sense of himself is that he can be successful, now and in the future.

Full day school presents many new challenges for the young child and his family. The parents must manage their feelings about letting go. The child must begin a life outside of the safety and familiarity of his home. For some adoptive families, this first real separa-tion can be especially difficult.

Adoptive parents often have a tougher time letting go. Perhaps it's harder because you have waited so long and worked so hard to become parents. For some adoptive parents, that first day of school feels like something is being lost or that the special connection will just never be the same. One adoptive mom described attending her daughter's preschool assembly. With giant tears running down her face, this warm and loving mom told me how the speaker had predicted that it might be hard for some parents to let go when their child entered public school. Just telling me about the assembly created another emotionally difficult moment for this mother.

In his article, "School Days; A Letter to Adoptive Parents," Randy Severson encourages parents to prepare themselves to let go. According to Randy, "every child must make his own way in the world, and along the way are countless bumps and bruises, some of which, no doubt, will be related to adoption. But children are resilient and usually bounce back none the worse." He reminds us that the best parent is confident, concerned, and capable of letting go.

But how can the adoptive mom described above become the confident mom who encourages independence in her child? One way is to acknowledge the feelings of discomfort and talk about them. Often sharing our feelings, with a spouse, family member, or close friend signifi-cantly relieves the anxiety. Hearing our fears, we may recognize that they are, in fact, pretty normal. When others validate our feelings as real we are comforted.

On the other hand, if feelings seem over-whelming and do not diminish significantly over time, you may want to consider seeking help from a professional. Sometimes the struggle of letting go can be greatly intensified by old pains that have not been sufficiently worked through. When under stress, the pain of unresolved infertility or entitlement issues can exacerbate the pain at hand. Do not pretend the emotional pain is not there. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your child.

Next month's article will continue to focus on the adoption related issues of the adoptee and his family.

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or visit their website at http://www.macadopt.org