This is the first in a series of articles about rituals and ceremonies. This month's column will focus on the many ways public and private rituals are used in this culture and why adoptive families may want to think about designing their own family ceremonies.

In western civilizations, public rituals serve to mark important changes or transitions. School graduations celebrate the student's completion of a proscribed curriculum. I personally have attended my children's graduations from preschool through college. While I often wondered what the alternative to graduation from junior high school might be, of course I joined our family and friends gathered to applaud and congratulate the graduate.

The proscribed elements of these ceremonies; the clothing worn by the participants, the music which is played, the traditional gifts given, promote a sense of connection with others who have participated in and experienced these types of rituals. As each graduate turns the tassel of his cap, and the classmates, as-one, toss their caps in the air they are symbolizing transition and new beginnings.

Baptismal ceremonies, bar mitzvahs, special birthday and anniversary celebrations, and funerals, are examples of rituals that mark significant arrivals, departures, and milestones. At joyous rituals, the celebrants' awareness of the change is heightened by their participation in the ceremony. Mourners are comforted and supported by those in attendance. In both types of rituals, there is an opportunity for the expression of feelings. The service itself can become the catalyst for individuals to begin to acknowledge, confront, and to begin to work through their feelings.

Our national parade for the Viet Nam war veterans and the community service for the survivors of the Oklahoma City blast, are examples of rituals which help the participants as well as the observers begin to heal from their pain and loss. Through the national television coverage of these rituals, I, along with millions of Americans, had an opportunity to participate in the beginning of the healing. Others did more. Those who sent flowers, teddy bears, cards, or other tokens of sympathy participated in a different, more active manner.

Rituals define relationships and family membership. Lois Melina points out in her discussion of rituals in adoption, that rituals may be particularly important in non-traditional families, where membership may be somewhat unclear or when society may not fully acknowledge that the relationship exists.

Why is it that adoptive families have not developed rituals to acknowledge transitions, celebrate life, or begin to heal from the loss? I believe that the shadow of secrecy has gotten in the way. Just think, it has only been within the last decade that the adoption community has recognized the need for positive adoption language. If we don't have words to correctly describe the important players and events in our lives, how can we or those around us begin to talk together and understand each other's experiences?

Future articles will discuss the many purposes rituals may serve. Family rituals that contribute to the process of healing from trauma, define relationships and family membership, and mark passage from one stage of life to another will be highlighted. Suggestions, a worksheet, and specific techniques for designing your own family ritual will also be included.

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or visit their website at http://www.macadopt.org