This is the last in a series of articles that focuses on the messages we send our children. This month I will discuss techniques of modeling and family story telling that give the message of acceptance and promote our children's growing sense of themselves.

Let's begin with the stories we tell our children about what we did as youngsters. Can you remember your parent's stories? Did your mother or grandmother walk five miles to school? Was everything a nickel when your grandfather was growing up? Did your father grow up in a family in which respect for the parents provided barriers to hearing angry feelings from the younger generation?

Next, try to remember how you felt when you heard that story. Did you feel more able to handle your present situation because your mother walked five miles to school? If it was good enough for your Mom, or good for her, did that matter to you? Did your wish for a new bike or doll or elec-tronic game diminish upon hearing that everything cost a nickel when your grandfather was a child? Did you suddenly feel lucky because your problem was inconsequential compared to your parent's or grandparent's? Of course not.

When we tell childhood stories that sugar coat our journey through a parti-cularly challenging period or task, we give the message "it was easy for me and it should be easy for you, too." To help you understand this, imagine the following:

You are at work and need to tell your boss that even though the company has already installed a $5,000 computer system in your home and changed the company policy on parental leave world-wide, that you are no longer interested in working at home once a child is placed with you. Now, imagine a co-worker offering the following:

"Gee Wendy, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. I have had to do that many times, in situations that were much more difficult and I didn't have any problem."

Your co-worker's response infers that there must be something wrong with you to be struggling with something so seemingly simple.

What would have helped in the scenarios above?

When you offer a story, include the steps you took to achieve whatever lay ahead. You need to send a message that "it was difficult, I didn't always know the way, but I figured it out, and you will too." Be sure to include the ups and downs, the parts that were hard, and the times you weren't sure whether or not you could do it.

Rethink childhood experiences that can offer that kind of message to your child. Did you get cut from the school cheerleading unit and after tears and sad moments eventually discover another activity that you enjoyed? In the telling, stay with the steps towards the "eventually" part. How about a subject in school that "you just couldn't get." Prior to figuring it out, did you struggle, feel stupid, blame the teacher, hit your sister when you arrived home after school?

Tell a story that gives your child hope that he too will accomplish whatever he is facing at that particular time. His hope will be grounded in the belief that if you, the competent parent, struggled and felt as he does, that he too can figure it out and be competent "just like you."

Next month I will begin a series focusing on young adoptees during the middle childhood years. I will discuss the kinds of issues these children often struggle over and offer a variety of ways to offer parental support and guidance.

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or visit their website at http://www.macadopt.org .