This is the sixth in a series of articles focusing on the messages that are sent and received within families.

In my last article, I focused on specific techniques that help children manage difficult feelings. Giving your child the message that he has what it takes to make good choices builds confidence. I reviewed ways to support your child's growing sense of himself through praise and unconditional acceptance.

How we receive information-how we listen to our children-also sends a very powerful message. This article will describe ways to be your child's best listener. We can help our children by truly listening and hearing their feelings. The suggestions that follow were influenced by the work of Carl Rogers (Rogerian Client-Centered Therapy, 1951).

1. Slow down and take time to listen. While this suggestion may seem like a no-brainer, when you think about it, having someone to sit and listen, to really hear what you have to say, sends a strong message of interest, and can be a very healing experience. In fact, a research study that looked at the client's appraisal of the key components of various psychotherapy models identified empathic listening as the single most helpful thera-peutic technique. Across many orientations, Freudian, Gestalt, Cognitive-Behavioral, Solution Focused, Self-Psychological, or Relational, to name a few, what seemed to be the most helpful was a professional with finely tuned listening skills.

2. Be your child's best listener. An essential characteristic of a healing type of listening is being genuine. Don't talk down to your child. This implies that he or she is "too little to understand." Respect and belief that the child has abilities, good infor-mation, and clear perceptions about his situation are basic elements to genuiness.

3. Listen with empathic understanding. Put yourself in the child's position and try to feel how he or she might be feeling. Would you be con-fused, worried, angry, or sad? Try to anticipate questions your child might have. "If I were you, I might be won-dering. . . ." Acknowledge that this may be troublesome to talk about and may be difficult for him to understand. State clearly that while you are saddened because he is struggling, that you can listen to his feelings and be OK with the hard stuff. Validate his feelings and allow the expres-sion of feelings. Don't give false hope or trite reassurances.

4. Listen to your child's feelings with acceptance and positive regard. Acceptance means tolerating the child's expression of feelings. Rather than trying to move her past her pain too quickly, listen with positive regard to what she has to say. If your child expresses a wish to never see or talk to a classmate again, validate her feelings (anger, sadness, embarrassment, etc.). This is not the time to offer pros and cons about her stated approach. Stay with the feelings. Do not tell her how to feel. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are real and stand alone.

As parents, we want to believe that if we just do everything correctly, read the right books, attend adoptive family conferences, and funnel all of our energy into good parenting that our children will go through childhood without pain. We fantasize that we can protect them from hurt. The fact is that we cannot. Tough things happen. And sometimes as parents we deny our kids' pain because to acknowledge it would be too hard.

When we pretend or deny the problem, we leave our child to manage it and the pain of it alone. Because here's the thing-your child is already hurting. He knows there is a problem. And he needs your strength and maturity to help him face it and get through it. Your child needs you to recognize first for yourself and then with him, the difficulty he is facing. He needs you to be strong enough and tough enough to help him face the hard stuff.

What that means is putting into words what you see is happening or what your gut tells you is going on. Putting it into words doesn't make it real. It's already real. Putting it into words tames it, by showing your child that it is something you can talk about together and together figure out how to manage.

Children need parents who are strong enough and tough enough to help their children face the hard stuff.

Children need parents who can recognize for themselves, and then talk with their children about, the difficulties that everyone, adults as well as children, face during their lifetimes.

Children need parents who encourage them and model for them that the best way to live life is to meet it head on, to be ready to manage what's real, rather than looking the other way, being secretive, or pretending something didn't really happen.

Each of us knows things on two levels, in our head and in our heart. Our head reminds us that honesty and openness promote health; our heart whispers, "pretend it's not there and just deny it." Your challenge is to listen to both, your head and your heart.

This is the hard work of all parenting.

My column in March will be the last in this series. I will focus on specific techniques of modeling and family story-telling that give messages of acceptance and promote our children's growing sense of themselves.

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or by visiting their website at http://www.macadopt.org .