This is the second in a series of articles about rituals and ceremonies. This monthâs column will focus on family rituals and activities, which send a strong message about belonging, family membership, and valuing each person for who he is. Additional family activities, which provide an opportunity to send a strong message about family belonging and connectedness, will be included in the next article. Future articles will look at rituals of healing, entitlement, and attachment. I will also include a handout to help you design you own family rituals.

Adoption is complicated. Explaining adoption issues to interested adults can prove to be a challenge. Adoptive parents report stories of relatives, friends, co-workers, and teachers, reasonably intelligent folks, asking the most unusual questions. Who is his real father? Are you still hoping to have a child of your own?

Why is it that people canât understand that you are the real parents and your children are real, too? Questions seem to indicate that what is being explained is amazingly complex. If it wasnât so hard for them to understand, why would they be asking such inappropriate questions? Unfortunately, these questions are simply reflections of our societyâs confusion about adoptive family relationships and membership.

If adults have difficulty grasping what is means to be adopted, imagine how hard it is for a child. Your child will also be faced with tough questions. One way to help is by providing opportunities for the child to understand on a very deep level, what it means to be in your family, to be valued for who he is, to feel as though he is like you and to know that he absolutely belongs in this family.

Let me give you some examples. See which seems to ăfitä for you and your family. Jot down parts of ideas that might work. Think about the feelings and issues that you might want to highlight through the creation of a ritual or through the development of a new family activity. Consider as I go along, which style feels most comfortable for you. Could you imagine acting out plays or writing letters to your child? Does your family like to write stories, make up songs or draw together? Donât worry about getting it ărightä, just jump in and get your feet wet.

One adoptive family began to play the ăI like you because·.ä game. When the family had finished their dinner and were still gathered around the table, someone, anyone, would initiate the game. Beginning with the initiator, each person, in turn, would shout out something he or she liked about someone at the table. (Allowing the children to shout makes the game much more fun!) Examples included I like the way you giggle, I like the way your are kind to the birds, I like the way you wrinkle your nose.

The game became a part of how this family shared meals and feelings. The frequency of the game (at least once a week) helped the children to think of it as something that defined their family (we say positive things about each other). Notice that what is offered does not focus on what members do but rather on who people are. Messages this family hoped to send included, we value you as an individual, and one of the ways our family celebrates each other is through the ăI like you because·ägame.

Another family acted out plays in their living room. While the messages or the intent on the part of the parents varied, the ritual of play-acting became part of how this family spent time together. On one occasion, the goal was to help the children get in touch with how special they were and how much they were wanted. Each parent wrote a letter to each child, sharing their own feelings about how it was to wait for their arrival into the family and how it felt to hold each one for the first time. A homemade stage was erected in the living room using two old wooden boxes from the storage room. The children were seated in the audience, content with the popcorn and licorice that typically accompanied trips to the movies. The lights were dimmed and the action began. Standing on their platform, each parent read their letter. There was no need for acting, the feelings were real and everyone was touched. In the end, there wasnât a dry eye in the house. Everybody understood.

Another family ritual involves creating a birthday poster, highlighting ways the celebrant is special. Casey, a nine-year old that came to The Center for counseling suffered from low self-esteem. Her parents wanted her to know how terrific she was. As she was to celebrate her ninth birthday, they listed nine ways she was special. The poster also used the letters of her name to identify other things about her that they admired. Remember that itâs important to acknowledge the child for who she is not what she does. What began as a great idea for Casey, has turned into something this family does for each child, at every birthday. It has become a birthday ritual for this family.

Nancy Golden LCSW is Co-Director of Midwest Adoption Center. Nancy provides counseling and consultation services to individuals touched by adoption. Gretchen Schulert is also a co-founder and Co-Director of the Center. Ann F. Lewis is a counselor at The Center. The Center is also responsible for Confidential Intermediary Service, provides search and reunion service on behalf of IDCFS, and offers training and workshops for professionals and families within the adoption community. They can be reached at 847-298-9096 or by visiting their website at http://www.macadopt.org .